


Thankful For

by Remmy-Free (Remembrance)



Category: Free!
Genre: Comfort Reading, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Haruka being a bit awkward, Humor, M/M, POV First Person, good feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-15
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 16:52:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remembrance/pseuds/Remmy-Free
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyday, Haruka Nanase writes down three things he's thankful for. He's been doing it for years. On every page, though, his best friend's name is written at least once. He's never vocalised how much he appreciates everything Makoto's done for him, just because he can't. It's hard. But, for once, he forces himself to speak, to say what he's been wanting to say for a while. He finally gets his chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thankful For

There’s a green book in front of me, a notebook. Every page is the same. The date at the top with three things I’m thankful for. Something I’ve been doing for a while, to increase positivity… or at least that’s what my therapist has been saying for the past thirteen years.  
  
It’s not exactly a secret, but I don’t think anybody knows about my whole routine therapy sessions thing. It used to be couple times a week when I was younger, since I had a lot of trouble talking to other people. Now it’s only once every six months, so I don’t really think Rin or Rei or Nagisa know about it.  
  
Makoto does, though, but that’s because he knows everything about me.  
  
I’m… thankful for that.  
  
I know that if I ever needed anything, I could ask him. I usually don’t say anything, but I appreciate what he does for me, even if it’s just getting me out of bed or the bath, getting me ready for school… Sometimes I feel like he’s being a big brother to me, and sometimes I feel ashamed, but it’s nice too. My parents are always travelling, too busy to deal with me I guess. Even when they’re here, I’m pretty much on my own. It’s been that way since we were little, and I think Makoto noticed that, so that’s why he started being so nice to me.  
  
He’s like everyone’s big brother, which is… nice… I know it’s wrong to be jealous, I’m not that stupid, but I don’t know. The way Rei is subconsciously seeking his approval, the way Nagisa always gets piggyback rides, the way Rin leans on him now… I’m not jealous, because I know he takes care of me more, but I don’t know…  
  
I’ve had feelings for him for a while now, and I just have no idea how to… just, how do I boyfriend him?  
  
Worried, that’s the word. I’m not jealous, but I’m worried. With Rin, Rei and Nagisa, why would he…? And, I don’t even know if he’s into guys in the first place. I don’t know. I just don’t know. That bothers me and I have no idea what I should do about it. He does… a lot for me, and I never say anything, but I appreciate it: It’s because I just don’t know _how_ to say anything about it. For other people, it’s easy… But _how_?  
  
I don’t know.  
  
Some mornings I just sit in the bathtub and hug my knees and wait for him to come by. I always think to myself… why would he even bother with me? He’s always taking care of me, like a big brother; he’s always taking care of me, because I just can’t… I can’t communicate with people, I can never tell when someone’s joking, everything is lost on me, and I would just be so lost without Makoto.  
  
Sometimes, it feels like I’m a child and he’s my babysitter.  
  
I’m so… lost.  
  
Other people gave up on me. Other kids, my own parents, even my therapist doesn’t want to bother seeing me more than twice a year, but somehow… somehow Makoto stays. Most of the time, I just want to ask “Why?” but I guess I’m afraid of the answer…  
  
It feels like I can count down the days until he gives up on me, but he never has so maybe he never will?  
  
“Stop,” I whisper to myself. Negative thoughts. If only pushing them away were as easy as pulling them in… I shake my head, a vain attempt to shake away the thoughts, and look back to the green notebook in front of me.  
  
I have nothing so far for today. I have to put three down every day. I’ve been doing it for years and years, I have notebooks full of these. Sometimes, when I’m sad… I go through them, it makes me appreciate everything good that has happened. They make me feel better. So more than just right now, I do them for the future too. I grab a pencil and tilt my head slightly as I wonder what to write.  
  
1\. Makoto came by this morning, had mackerel together.  
  
That’s one down… two more to go.  
  
I look around my living room. The lights are off. When I got here, the sun was still up, but now it’s gotten later. It’s cold, too. It’s quiet. I look around and sigh. I’m lonely. Not much to be thankful for when you’re lonely. Without thinking, I pull out my phone and flip it open. I barely use the thing but… I hit contacts, go down to ‘T’ until I see his name, ‘Makoto Tachibana’.  
  
I shouldn’t…  
  
I bother him enough as it is…  
  
I hit call and put the phone to my ear. I close my eyes, hearing the ringing noise. I secretly hope he doesn’t pick up, because I have no idea what I’m going to say  
  
 _“Hello?”_  
  
Fuck.  
  
 _“Hellooo? Anybody?”_  
  
He didn’t read the Caller ID, but when I listen I can hear the sound of something sizzling, and chopping. He’s multitasking. I’m intruding.  
  
 _“Um, hi? I’m gonna hang up now, okay?”_  
  
“Makoto,” I say quickly. Please don’t hang up.  
  
 _“Haru-chan!”_  
  
He sounds excited and I chuckle silently. “You’re spending too much time around Nagisa.” I can hear him laugh… damn, I love his laugh. It’s so… honest, and warm, and just…  
  
 _“I really do, sorry. I’ll try to drop the ‘-chan’ next time, maybe. Anyway, what’s up?”_  
  
I feel my chest tighten and I keep my eyes closed. “I’m…” I want to hang up, but I started the sentence… I should finish it. He’d worry if I didn’t. Damnit. “I’m… lonely, I guess.” The sound of chopping instantly stops and I bring my free hand up, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I know it’s a school day, but… is it alright if I come over?”  
  
 _“Yeah,”_ his voice is… happy? _“Of course, Haru.”_  
  
I’m so surprised by it that I almost forget I’m still on the phone with him. “Okay. Can I, come now?  
  
 _“Sure! I’m just making dinner now, it’ll be ready by the time you get here. Oh, have you eaten yet?”_  
  
I have to think about it before I can reply. “No, I forgot.”  
  
 _“I’ll serve you a plate when you get here.”_  
  
“Is it–?”  
  
 _“It’s not mackerel, sorry.”_  
  
Damn.  
  
 _“It’s chicken with some carrots and beans and some peppers and whatever else I found in the fridge.”_  
  
“Okay,” I smile softly, opening my eyes. “I’ll be there.”  
  
 _“Oh, by the way did you manage to get the answers to the math homework? I just can’t figure out the graphs…”_  
  
I blink at first then nod. It takes me a while to realise he can’t see me nod over the phone so I speak up, “Yeah. I can my books with me if you want?”  
  
 _“Oh? Really! You’re the best, Haru-chan!”_  
  
I want to correct him, but I don’t. After he woke me up this morning, got me to bathe, ate mackerel with me (I know he hates it), after I made him late for school, he’s going to cook me dinner, take my company during a school night… he’s going to do everything and he says I’m the best?  
  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
  
I grabbed an umbrella and a jacket before heading out. I honestly wouldn’t have cared if I was wet or cold when I got there, but Makoto would have flipped his mother hen switch and start fussing over me, chastising me for not taking care of myself. Sometimes I wonder if he knows the only reason I take care of myself is so he doesn’t have to. I don’t mean that in a suicidal way, it’s just sort of… so what if I catch a cold? I’ll get over it. It’s not a big deal… but to Makoto, the world might as well end.  
  
I step towards the door and close my umbrella. I shake it up a bit to make the raindrops fly off. I don’t want to make the floors of the Tachibana’s house wet. I ring the doorbell and I can hear the twins inside racing to see who would open the door first.  
  
Of course it’s Ran, Makoto’s little sister, and she opens the door. Her face is full of disappointment and she frowns at me before turning around and walking away.  
  
Ren, Makoto’s little brother, is confused and he just smiles at me. “Onii-chan’s still cooking, Haru-chan!”  
  
“Okay,” I smile back at him, or try to, and dip my head politely as I step inside. I close the door behind me and put the umbrella down. Ran ran off because she hates me and thinks I’m disabled and a waste of her big brother’s time. I don’t blame her. I just dread the days when she’s a teenager and she has the harsh words she needs to say it to my face. I put my jacket to the side, step out of my shoes.  
  
The Tachibana’s residence is like a second home to me.  
  
Or a first home, really.  
  
I know my way around it and step into the kitchen. Makoto’s cooking, chopping something, so I don’t bother him, but I take the time to look at his back. I relax a bit. His parents are in another room, the twins are in another room. I don’t have to worry about how I come off as a mentally damaged cripple. I sigh softly and close my eyes.  
  
“Hn?” Makoto looks over his shoulder and he grins wide. “I didn’t hear you come in.”  
  
“Sorry,” I apologise, I always apologise.  
  
“It’s fine, Haru.” He doesn’t take my apology.  
  
Take my apology.  
  
“Dinner will be ready in a couple minutes,” he’s still not taking my apology.  
  
“Can I help with dinner?”  
  
“It’s fine, Haru.”  
  
I give up, I guess.  
  
  
Eventually, we have dinner. Makoto’s parents are excited to see me, not sure why but they are, and they keep asking me all kinds of questions about what I plan to do next year and the year after that, and so on and so forth. I have no idea. I just shrug half the time, but try to look alive and respond to the conversation. I don’t know why, but talking to them is just so… socially… exhausting. It’s never like that with Makoto, though. It is with my other friends, Rin, Rei, Nagisa, Kou, but not as bad as when its with people like Makoto’s parents.  
  
I don’t know. The food was actually really good. It wasn’t mackerel, but I liked it. Dinner ends and Makoto starts cleaning the dishes. I try to help, but he pushes me away. I don’t know what to do but he asks me if I can get our books open in his room. That I can do and it makes me happy on some level, to be able to return the favour of helping. In comparison, it’s nothing but I will do anything I can to help him.  
  
He takes care of me, and I want to take care of him.  
  
That’s… what boyfriends would do, right?  
  
They would be equal in helping each other… maybe… I don’t know. I wouldn’t know. Dating, and boyfriends, and that kinda stuff, that’s always been outside my realm of knowledge. Social cues are completely lost on me, so I figured being close and intimate with someone would just be impossible. I think Rin had a thing for me, but he’s sort of given up. Like Makoto would, if he ever spared a thought about dating me. Rin’s with his roommate now, Nitori or whatever his name was. He’s cute, but it makes me wonder who Makoto would end up with.  
  
Nagisa? Rei?  
  
Those two kind of have something going on, I think. I don’t know. Rei gets mad at Nagisa, yells at him a lot, but Makoto always just chuckles at it, as if it’s not the same kind of yelling as when someone’s mad with someone else.  
  
I head over to his room, closing my eyes and smiling softly as the smell of _Makoto_ just fills me.  
  
Nagisa once whispered to me about how I ‘have it bad’, and I thought he was being silly… but maybe he’s right. Maybe I do ‘have it bad’ for him… I open up the books and soon enough he enters his room. We sit on his bed, and he messes up his hair over the math homework. I feel bad, it makes sense to me but I can’t make it make sense to Makoto.  
  
Math is easy. It’s like talking to numbers. It’s easier than talking to people. Like being in water, you just… be.  
  
I tried explaining it once, and Makoto just called me cute. We were thirteen.  
  
It was probably the best moment of my life.  
  
I slowly wonder if I tried to explain it, would he… call me cute again? I can feel my cheeks warm a little and I turn the page of my notebook, making Makoto look away from my face. I write out the problem, showing every step of the equation as I go along. Usually I can skip steps, since it’s not that hard.  
  
I know off the bat that thirty plus forty-two times three is one hundred and fifty-six. You start with the multiplication: Forty-two times three is one hundred twenty-six, then add the thirty. Then you take that number and add it to the equation that forms the graph and adjust the variables to make sure it’s a parabolic graph.  
  
It’s simple.  
  
Why can’t talking to people be like that?  
  
“Huh,” Makoto tugs the corner of my notebook, shifting it a bit towards him. Apparently doing it one step at a time helps because he starts writing something in his own notebook then smiles. “Ohh, I see what I’m doing wrong…”  
  
I don’t say anything, just take the chance to look at his profile. He’s got a nice jawline and I find myself staring at it. I look away, have to in case he turns and catches me. I have to admit, I never thought Makoto would grow up to look so… good. I don’t know what the right word would be. Rin would be sexy, Nagisa would be adorable, Rei would be hot (I’ve got a thing for glasses…), but what would be Makoto?  
  
“Handsome,” I blurt out.  
  
“What?”  
  
I realise what I did and my eyes widen. I look over to him and he’s looking at me.  
  
“Handsome?” Makoto tilted his head, chuckling as he gives a smile.  
  
“Handsome,” I repeat. I have to think of something. I can’t just say, “That’s how I would describe you.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
I said that out loud. Fuck.  
  
Makoto’s cheeks turn pink and he looks back to his notebook.  
  
“Yeah,” I admit, not wanting it to go quiet and awkward. I look down at my own book and swallow hard. “How would, you describe me?”  
  
“Cute.”  
  
That was fast. But what’s faster is the way my cheeks heat up. I’m blushing. Shit. Shit. Shit. “Thanks.”  
  
“You’re welcome.”  
  
  
The rest of the evening seems to pass with the homework and its mostly in silence. Nothing exciting happens until there’s a knock on Makoto’s door. We both looked up.  
  
“Haruka, dear,” his mom steps in his room and gives a strained smile. “The rain is really coming down, and the news says there might be a storm coming. It’s getting late, so why don’t you stay here tonight?”  
  
I blink and look over to Makoto, “If it’s okay.”  
  
Makoto just gives his signature, warm smile and nods. “Of course it is, Haru. You know you’re family to us.”  
  
Family. I look over to his mom and dip my head politely, “Sure.”  
  
“Alright,” she smiles and closes the door.  
  
Makoto closes up his books and throws them onto his desk. He gets off the bed and stretches. Where’s he going? He turns around and looks at me. “I should set up the guest room, then.”  
  
“No,” I say before I can really stop myself. I can’t have him do that. How much is he going to do for me? I can’t. I can’t let him. I just…  
  
Makoto blinks twice and scratches the back of the head. “Well, you can’t sleep on the floor. You want to share a bed with me?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
He smiles and looks away. “Well, we used to do it when we were kids, but we’re bigger now. I’m fine with it, if you don’t mind being crammed next to me?”  
  
“I don’t mind,” I say, not really thinking.  
  
“Really?” He’s smiling, but there’s something kind of… sexy about his smile. “You don’t mind being squished against me?”  
  
Holy shit. He’s flirting with me. It’s just a joke, though. Has to be. My cheeks are heating up, I need to think of a way to reply that doesn’t make me sound like a loser. “Yeah,” I nod, “You’re handsome.” Shut up. Stop talking. “Really handsome.”  
  
Luckily, that conversation ends with Makoto being too embarrassed to reply and we play games for a bit. Score’s pretty even for once, but I don’t think either of us are focusing on the game much. It gets late, we have to get ready for bed. Makoto has to remind his little siblings to brush their teeth before bed, and he does so too.  
  
I don’t have a toothbrush so he gives me his.  
  
As I’m brushing, I have a little voice in my head (which sounds just like a certain _someone_ ) telling me I was indirectly kissing Makoto. I rinse my mouth and then rinse the toothbrush, but the voice doesn’t stop.  
  
“Shut up, Nagisa.”  
  
“Nagisa?” Makoto blinks in confusion, looking at me like I was a total idiot.  
  
“Sorry.” Shut up. Don’t explain it. “I heard Nagisa in my head say we were indirectly kissing by sharing a toothbrush.”  
  
“Oh…”  
  
“It’s just a toothbrush, and we’ve indirectly kissed before,” shut the fuck up Haruka, “Sharing water bottles and stuff,” please take your own advice, “Lots of times before. It’s not like it’s anything new, indirectly kissing you.” Oh dear God why? “Anyway,” I put Makoto’s toothbrush with the others and I’m a little too eager to change the subject that I take a step forward, suddenly putting myself face-to-face with my best friend.  
  
His eyes widens and he looks down.  
  
I look up.  
  
He looks like he’s going to lean in…  
  
Please, please lean in…  
  
He starts leaning in…  
  
Please, please, please…  
  
“Onii-chan!”  
  
I’m going to murder that kid.  
  
Makoto blushes and turns around, seeing a very angry Ran at the doorway.  
  
I wonder if she was standing there, making sure we didn’t kiss. Considering how bad she doesn’t even want us to be friends, it’s possible. To her, I’m just a broken, useless person and her onii-chan needs better. I miss the conversation, but Makoto goes into her room (probably to tuck her in or something).  
  
Maybe it’s for the best.  
  
I go to Makoto’s room and I sigh. I’m exhausted, but I notice my books fell off the bed. Now they’re all over Makoto’s floor. I sigh again and start picking them up. I don’t want to be a burden.  
  
Which I am.  
  
I put the books in my bag, but then my eyes catch sight of a green notebook. I realise I completely forgot about it and I pull the book out, then grab one of Mako’s pens. The green notebook, I turn through the pages, they’re all the same: The date is at the top, and then three things in numbered point form. Each one is something that happened that day that I am thankful for.  
  
Today’s entry only has one.  
  
1\. Makoto came by this morning, had mackerel together.  
  
I frown, clicking the end of the pen so I can write with it.  
  
2\. Makoto cooked me dinner, got to spend time with him and his family.  
  
3\. I managed to help Makoto with homework, math.  
  
Speaking of the devil, he steps in his room and closes the door behind him. He smiles and takes a seat next to me. “I thought we finished our homework.”  
  
“It’s not homework,” I say lamely and look down, realising Makoto’s never read this book. “It’s… I write down three I’m thankful for, every day.”  
  
“Oh right,” Makoto looks at me, “You still do that, huh? Can I look, or is it private?”  
  
“You can look.”  
  
He slowly pulls the notebook and reads the open page. He instantly smiles, “They’re all about me today.”  
  
“Yeah,” I look at the floor, not trusting myself to look at him. “I…”  
  
He pauses and out of the corner of my eye I can tell he’s looking at me.  
  
I stare at a non-existent point on the floor and swallow hard. “I… I never say, thank you, or thanks… not often, for everything you do for me. But… I, appreciate it. A lot.” He doesn’t say anything. Am I suppose to keep talking? “I was, lonely today. So… thank you.”  
  
“Haru…”  
  
“You’re… the thing, I’m most thankful for.” My knees are locked, my toes are curled. I try to keep myself relaxed but I have no idea how. “So thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” he chuckles and turns the page of my notebook. He looks back down to it and smiles, “I know you appreciate it, but it’s nice to hear too.”  
  
“Oh,” I say simply. I look over and notice he’s turning to the start of the book. I slowly read the three things along with him.  
  
1\. Makoto came to get me this morning.  
  
2\. I’m in Makoto’s class again.  
  
3\. Nagisa’s at our school now. Haven’t seen him in years.  
  
He flips the page.  
  
1\. Rin wasn’t a dream or a look-alike, or a ghost, or a doppelganger.  
  
2\. I managed to swim in a pool today.  
  
3\. Makoto, Nagisa, and I didn’t get in trouble for breaking into Samezuka.  
  
I look away. I feel weird. Makoto’s reading them. They’re not really made to be read. They’re just simple things. Half the time I scribble them right before bed. I probably sound like an idiot by reading them.  
  
“I’m mentioned every day,” Makoto laughs.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I always figured you appreciated me, but not this much.”  
  
I look over. He’s still reading. I wonder if maybe I could… When Rin does something for Nitori, Nitori always kisses Rin’s cheek. That’s how he shows gratitude. Maybe I could… I lean in, quickly.  
  
But at the last second, he notices; he turns his face.  
  
My eyes widen as my lips push onto his. I snap my eyes shut. I was wrong to think I’ve ever experienced true terror before.  
  
Shit. Shit. Shit.  
  
But… he kisses back?  
  
I think?  
  
I don’t know—Kissing is weird, I don’t know.  
  
I open my eyes again, not sure if I can believe what’s going on. I have no idea how to kiss. I secretly wish I took up Nagisa’s offer back when we were kids to practice on each other. I close my eyes again, moving my mouth against his. It feels weird, but it’s warm, and I can take in his scent, and my toes tingle, and I make a soft noise into the kiss.  
  
Makoto’s moving his lips against mine. He slips an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. The green notebook falls off his lap and he breaks the kiss to look at it. “Sorry.”  
  
I don’t care about that book right now.  
  
He picks it up, folds it and places it with the rest of his books. Then he looks at me.  
  
Those green eyes… I swear I could melt when he looks at me. I probably look like a deer in headlights because that’s pretty much how I feel.  
  
“Haru…”  
  
I just keep staring. That’s probably not a good thing. What do I do? Should I kiss him? Should I say something. I open my mouth and words sort of spill out without filter: “You’re really handsome.”  
  
He laughs and leans in, pecking a small kiss against my lips. “And you’re cute.”  
  
I’m blushing. I know I am. But Makoto’s smiling, so maybe that’s okay? I don’t know. I have no idea but his arms around my waist, maybe I should… I lean on him, looking at him with a whole range of feelings.  
  
He kisses me again.  
  
I close my eyes, melting into the kiss. It feels… so right. I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry or what, but this is supposed to be a perfect moment. I move my lips away enough to break the kiss and I squeeze my eyes closed. “M-Makoto,” I stutter without wanting to, “Can I ask you something?”  
  
I feel his hand gently cup my face. His thumb is stroking my cheek. Is this even happening?  
  
“I can’t… I can’t communicate with people, I can never tell when someone’s joking… everything’s always so… lost on me.” I open my eyes and they’re warm and wet with tears, “Everyone else gave up me… but you never do… why?”  
  
“Haru…”  
  
I’ve always been afraid to ask.  
  
But… I need to know.  
  
“Why?”  
  
Makoto just stares. He’s not sure how to reply. It makes me realise I don’t want to know the answer. I need to know it, but I don’t want to know it. He thinks about it, then chuckles. “Haruka.”  
  
Shit, he’s using my full name. What does that mean?  
  
“Have you ever just thought,” he smiles, “Maybe, I like being with you?”  
  
“Huh?” I look at him, shaking my head.  
  
“I like spending time with you,” Makoto shrugged, “That’s it. Why would I ever give up on something that’s fun?”  
  
Fun.  
  
He leans in; he kisses me.  
  
I kiss back. I close my eyes, feeling a warm tear move down my cheek. I’m shaking, I don’t know why, but I am, and I just focus on kissing him.  
  
The arm around my waist holds me tight.  
  
“Onii-chan!”  
  
I’m going to violently murder that kid.  
  
I open my eyes as Makoto moves away and looks at the door. I look at her too.  
  
Ran blinks, realising what she walked in on. “Why… why were you kissing Haruka? Haruka’s–”  
  
Don’t say it.  
  
“–My boyfriend,” Makoto interrupts.  
  
I look at him.  
  
Boyfriend.  
  
I miss the entire conversation between Makoto and Ran. He takes her back to the kitchen, maybe she was hungry or something. I don’t care.  
  
Boyfriends, dating… that kinda stuff has always been outside my realm of knowledge. Social cues are lost on me, so I’ve always figured that being close to someone just wasn’t possible… but Makoto comes back and takes his seat next to me again. He smiles. He kisses me softly again.  
  
I don’t know what to say or what to do.  
  
“Come on,” he smiles, “We have school tomorrow. Let’s get some sleep, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
He turns off the light, we slip into his bed, and it’s the first time I realise he actually does sleep shirtless. Just a pair of boxer briefs. I’m down to a shirt and loose boxers (not swim trunks for once), and he really wasn’t kidding when he said we’d be crammed together.  
  
The bed is too small for two people, but I don’t think either of us mind.  
  
He slips an arm around me and I end up using him as my pillow. My head is just over his collarbone and my forehead is pushed up against his neck. It’s actually a lot more comfortable than I thought. I quietly wonder if he’d wake up with a dead arm if he’s going to keep it around me… but at the same time I don’t want him to let go.  
  
I close my eyes, lean into him. He’s so warm. So damn warm. What should I be doing in this position? I put an arm over his chest, something like a hug and he kisses my forehead. I swear I could feel tingles from that kiss move all the way down to my toes. I smile softly and try to relax. I can hear his heartbeat.  
  
“Hey, Haru.”  
  
I look up at him.  
  
“I never told you either…”  
  
“What?” I tilt my head to the side.  
  
“You’re the thing I’m most thankful for too.”


End file.
